The Horror Cr(yp)tic: KILLER PAD

ooh, boy...

Well, this little gem stars a few actors you've seen in dozens of movies but don't know any of their names, but throws a curveball at your face by having recognizable actors that show up without warning, like Bobby Lee, Joey lawrence, Jeff Davis, and of all people Andy Milonakis.

The "plot"? well, three guys move into a beutiful house in the hollywood hills, and it turns out it's controlled by Satan.

oh, i forgot to mention it's directed by ROBERT ENGLUND! that's right, Freddy Krueger directed this movie.

Well, there really isn't too much to say about this movie. It's like a mixture of American Pie, Poltergeist, and Dude Where's My Car. So it's EXTREMELY stupid, but at times it is actually kind of funny with lines like "We're going to send you evil hoes back to hell!" and "You know what would be funny? If you took your top off and I saw your breasts, and I was like, "Hey, I can't believe you did that." 

Is it any good? No. Is it funny? kind of. but it's stupidly entertaining in it's own right, and hey, the girl that plays Satan is extremely pretty. Watch if it you want to shut off your brain for an hour or two.

5/10

The Horror Cr(yp)tic: MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3-D

welcome to another review of all things Horror- the old and the new, the great and the shitty, and the famous and obscure. Today's film is the remake of the 1980 slasher film My Bloody Valentine 3D.

Now, I've never seen the original. I'm aware of it's existance, but my knowledge of it is limited. Now going into the 3D remake, one question arrises.

Is it any good?

Very much so. The movie deals with a town called Harmony, a mining town that was plagued by the murders of former miner Harry Warden. Now, several years later, Harry has come back to bring murder and destruction to the town. But is it really Harry, or an imposter?

This was the first 3D movie i've seen since i was like 6, so it was a unique experience. The gimmicky nature of the 3D and the overall cheesiness of the movie makes it really work. Horror films are a great vehicle for 3D movies.

The greatest reason to see this movie? Tom Atkins is in it! That's right, the "Thrill Me!" cop from the fucking awesome 80's horror comedy Night of The Creeps. That alone was worth the price of admission. That dude rules.

The movie is not without it's share of problems, though. I was sitting a little too high, so all the stuff coming out of the screen aimed towards my neck as opposed to my eyes. Also, the movie is pretty predictable, and the acting is questionable at times. Either way, it was a fun, entertaining, badass tribute to campy 80's horror, and i loved it.

7.5/10

The Horror Cr(yp)tic: ED WOOD'S LEGACY FINALE

Welcome to the final installment of Ed Wood's Legacy. Today, the movie will be Tim Burton's biopic, ED WOOD.

 Portrayed by Johnny Depp, the film centers on Ed Wood's struggle to release Glen or Glenda, Bride of The Monster, and ultimately Plan 9. The film  stars the brilliant Martin landau as a perfect Bela Lugosi (winning the Oscar for best actor for his performance), Sarah Jessica Parker as Dolores Fuller, and many others.

The film shows off just how difficult it was for Ed to release his pictures, from having his whole crew be baptized just so a church could fund Plan 9, or running out of money 3 days into shooting Bride of The Monster, the movie balances tragedy, humor, insight, and parody all at once. While all of this is going on, Ed Wood is charismatic and upbeat, and his personality is mostly what got him his movies funded. The film also shows his attempt to help the ailing Bela Lugosi kick his morphine addiction.

If i had to pick one, i would have to say that this movie is my favorite of all time. It shows you that if you have a dream, and a vision, that artistic integrity is more important than what anyone else says on it's quality. I can't recommend this movie enough.

10/10

The Horror Cr(yp)tic: ED WOOD'S LEGACY PART 3

Welcome to another installment into Ed Wood's quirky films. Today, i'll be going over his most famous films, his horror trilogy.

First up is Bride of The Monsterstarring Bela Lugosi as Dr. Eric Vornoff, Tor Johnson as Lobo, and Paul Marco as the fan-favorite Patrolman Kelton.

Originally titled Bride of The Atom, Dr. Vornoff is trying to breed a race of "Atomic Supermen" to conquer the world, with the help of his gargantuan lab assistant Lobo. Kelton and the police try to stop him and Dr. Vornoff sends his giant octopus monster on them, but he himself becomes a victim of his own creations.

There really isn't too much to say about this one. Bela Lugosi does a fantastic job as always, and the introduction of Paul Marco and Tor Johnson is a welcome addition. The first half of the film is really slow, but the end shines with an explosive climax (literally).

Up next is the film that Ed Wood is most famous for, PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE.

Originally titled Graverobbers from Outer Space, Starring Vampira, Tor Johnson, the psychic Criswell, Paul Marco (as Kelton the cop), Lyle Talbot, and "almost starring Bela Lugosi", This movie is highly regarded as the "Worst Movie of All Time". The film is about Aliens trying to conquer Earth by using Plan 9: The Reanimation of Earth's Dead. Zombies and Aliens in the same movie? Awesome!... even though there is only three zombies. They are actually trying to destroy the Earth because the aliens believe we will create a bomb that detonates sunlight, thus destroying the universe.

The most infamous mistake in the film is that because of Bela Lugosi's death in the very early stages of filming, Ed Wood's wife's chiropractor filled in for Lugosi by holding a cape in front of his face(though the guy looks nothing like Lugosi). Scenes alternate between day and night in the same shot, obviously fake flying saucers (with visible strings) appear over pictures of Hollywood, characters knock over pieces of the set, Tor Johnson gets stuck coming out of his grave, and almost none of the lines make any sense ("Remember my friends, future events such as these will affect you in the future." "I'm muzzled by army brass!") and dozens of other hilariously inept mistakes plague this film.

It's been called The Worst Movie of All Time, The Greatest of Unintentional Comedies, and The Greatest Cult Film Ever, and while these may be partially true the movie is absolutely entertaining. That, and i've seen movies much worse *coughManosHandsofFatecough*. This movie is Ed Wood's "Citizen Kane", and worthy of all the notoriety it gets.

Finally, we come to Ed Wood's Night Of The Ghouls

originally titled Dr. Acula, the movie stars Ken Duncan, Tor Johnson (once again as Lobo), Valda Hansen, and Paul Marco (as Patrolman Kelton). Filmed in 1959, the movie wasn't released until 1982!

Dr. Acula conducts seances for people to talk to their deceased loved ones, however Acula is a fraud and there are no ghosts at his house (the same building from Bride of The Monster; a wounded Lobo is now Acula's assistant). Kelton the cop is ordered to investigate the goings-on, but is scared because of his experience from Bride of The Monster. To everyone's fright, real ghosts show up and cause chaos for the seance.

This movie is BY FAR Ed Wood's best produced (and surprisingly shot extremely well with tons of great shots) which is a shame as it wasn't released for 3 decades. I've seen this movie parodied countless times, most notably an episode of "Ed, Edd, and Eddy" where they had a fake seance. This movie is pretty entertaining, and a nice ending to Ed Wood's mainstream film career, and after this he made monster nude films and then straight-up porn, but i'll go over more of his life in the next (and final) installment of the Ed Wood Legacy, the Tim Burton-directed biopic "ED WOOD". stay tuned!

Bride of The Monster: 8 out of 10.

Plan 9 From Outer Space: 10 out of 10

Night of The Ghouls 8.5 out of 10

The Horror Cr(yp)tic: ED WOOD'S LEGACY PART 2

Like i said in my last installment on this series, I'm kind of stretching it when it comes to reviewing these two movies (after all, they aren't horror). But they are essential in explaining Ed Wood's quirky genius.

First up is Ed Wood's first feature film, "Glen or Glenda"

starring Bela Lugosi, Dolores Fuller (Ed Wood's then-girlfriend at the time), Lyle Talbot, Timothy Farrell, and Ed Wood himself (credited as "Daniel Davis") as the title character.

Originally under the titles "I Changed My Sex", "He or She", and "I Led Two Lives", this movie was planned to be a biopic about real-life person Christine Jourgenson, the world's first publicly known sex-change recipient. However, once Ed Wood was hired, he changed it to be a movie about himself, and his love of dressing in women's clothing. Bela Lugosi gets top billing as "The Scientist", a weird character who serves as an all-knowing figure who we assume is suppose to be God. He narrates over the other characters lives, and is able to change the course of the story. Glen is trying to get the courage to tell his girlfriend Barbara about his secret transvestism, but he's scared how she will react. The movie also has ANOTHER narration by Timothy Farrell, who makes it seem like a documentary and a film at the same time.This is easily one of the most bizarre movie's i've ever seen. 20% of the running time (the movie is only 68 minutes long) is stock footage of cars, bison running, shots from WWII, and airplanes. They weirdest part of the film is a 15 minute nightmare scene, which is bewildering and at times really disturbing. Bela Lugosi's narration doesn't help, as he keeps saying cryptic lines that make no sense... such as:

"Beware! Beware of the big green dragon that sits on your doorstep. He eats little boys... Puppy dog tails, and BIG FAT SNAILS... Beware... Take care... Beware!"

"Pull the strings! PULL THE STRINGS!!!"

After watching this movie, I really have to applaud Ed Wood. He had the balls to make a film about something really taboo, and make himself the subject character. He was telling the world not to judge others, and to accept everyone's quiks no matter what they are. This is probably the most heartfelt and personal movie of any director i've ever seen.

Up next is Ed Wood's tribute to crime noir gangster films, "Jail Bait"

which once again stars Dolores Fuller, Timothy Farrell, and Lyle Talbot and bringing in Steve Reeves (star of the famous "Hercules" series) and Herbert Rawlinson in his last performance (he died the morning after filming his last scene). It was originally titled "Hidden Faces" (one thing worth mentioning now is that every single Ed Wood movie had their title changed at the last minute).

The movie centers around Don and Vick, two guys on the wrong side of the law. Don, the epitome of a "good-for-nothing kid", is the son of world famous plastic surgeon Dr. Boris Gregor. Vic one night shoots a cop after Vick robs a safe inside a theatre house, and they try to hide from the cops as long as possible. Vick kills Don, and orders his father to perform plastic surgery on Vick so he can no longer be identified after having a different face.

This movie, co-written with screen legend Alex Gordon, is probably the most competent film Ed Wood made, with the least amount of mistakes and weirdness. It's just an average crime noir, that keeps your interest the whole way through. Strangely enough, the tagline is "She's a good girl... to leave alone!" although none of the female characters are the focus of the story, or even do anything dangerous.

There is one scene i can't forget to mention... about 15 minutes or so in the movie, it cuts to a minstrel show with one of the most hilariously racist characters i've ever seen named Cotton Watts. But this scene is unrelated to anything before or after, and this comical scene is in stark contrast to the deadly serious mood of the rest of the movie. No one mentions it at any point of the film. It's like it's a scene from another movie, that was accidentally added in.

If you see Jail Bait to be an example of Ed Wood's awful film-making, you're going to be dissapointed as it isn't THAT bad. Not to say it isn't, but it at least is somewhat legitamite.

Ah.. the ratings. Well, for this series i've decided to judge each film on their creativity, their originality, and their all-around entertainment value. I will NOT be judging them on their quality.

Glen or Glenda: 8 out of 10.

Jail Bait: 6 out of 10.

tune in next time when i'll go over Ed Wood's most famous movies, his horror trilogy cosisting of Bride Of The Monster, the infamous Plan 9 From Outer Space, and Night of The Ghouls. See ya then!

The Horror Cr(yp)tic: ED WOOD'S LEGACY (PART 1)

Madman. Visionary. Genius. Lunatic.

"The Worst Director of All Time".

Edward D. Wood Jr.'s been called a lot of things in his life, but one thing is for certain is that he had an undying passion for moviemaking, and he let no one stop him in his quest to get what was in his head on film. Too bad what showed up on film was a bit on the bizarre side.

He's kind of like the original Uwe Boll, except Ed Wood's movies were at least entertaining and unique, and not entirely pieces of crap.

What most people remember Ed Wood for besides being a god-awful filmmaker is that he was a cross-dresser; he even wore a bra and panties in World War II as a paratrooper, more afraid of getting wounded and the medics discovering his secret then getting killed in combat!

But through all of his films, most famously "Glen or Glenda?", "Bride of The Monster", and "Plan 9 From Outer Space", while it is indeed evident that he pretty much had no clue what he was doing it is clear that the man had a vision.

I have seen movies FAR worse than the ones he's made. In fact, i'd go as far to say that the man is a genius artist, that if he were given actors who could actually act (except for the always amazing Bela Lugosi) and the right amount of money his movies would have been brilliant. His movies are works of art out of absurdity, way ahead of their time. Without him, we wouldn't have Tim Burton, David Lynch, or Jon Waters. With him, the world of cinema is stranger and more bizarre (for better or worse).

Next posts, i'll be reviewing some of his films (just got his awesome ED WOOD COLLECTION BOXSET for christmas). First up are his debut film "Glen or Glenda?" and his overlooked crime drama "Jail Bait".

(ok, so technically they aren't horror films, but A: I need to start at the beginnning to get to his horror films and B. Like fellow movie reviewer James "Cinemassacre" Rolfe said, they are "so fucked up, they might as well be horror films).

tune in next time...

(credit to James Rolfe, Cinemassacre, for his excellent Ed Wood-A-Thon two part review on Spike.com, he did a great job)