The Horror Cr(yp)tic: BRAM STOKER'S DRACULA

Greetings, everyone.

The horror film for today is a pretty famous one: Bram Stoker's Dracula starring Gary Oldman as the Count, Winona Ryder as Mina Harker, and surprisingly enough Keanu Reeves as Jonathan Harker. Finally, there is Anthony Hopkins as Van Helsing.

I have heard about this movie my whole life, but hadn't seen it until yesterday. I have heard that it's slow, boring, shitty, quick, exciting, and awesome.

How was it?

Well...

I thought it was really well done!

Having read the novel in Junior High (if you haven't read it, you really should) I can't remember all of the details of the novel, but I can say that what I do remember was portrayed rather acuretly (especially the scene of Jonathan shaving and Dracula coming up behind it). The only thing that was changed drastically was the sometimes excessive amounts of sexual material in the film. The film really strays away from the novel towards the last half, but i thought the way they changed everything was unique and gave the film it's own identity.

I loved the effects (all practical, by the way) and I especially loved how Dracula's shadow was it's own character, moving independently of it's host. The effects of Dracula's wolf and bat forms were interesting ways to convey his transformative powers. Rather than being a normal animal form, he was a monstrous hybrid fusing the respective beast with Gary Oldman's distinct features.

But how does it fair against the other Dracula films?

Trying to compare this film to them is extremely difficult, because it really doesn't try to be like any other Dracula movie. Whereas the Bela Lugosi one is a classic, and the Christopher Lee's take the original to another level, this one throws it's own unique spin on it but still being recognizable as a Dracula film. Gary Oldman was a fantastic Dracula, that didn't feel like a parody of other actor's performances.

Overall thoughts: A film that stands apart from other incarnations, and succeeds. Definitley worth a look if you can get a chance.

8.5/10

The Horror Cr(yp)tic: NIGHT OF THE DEMONS SERIES

Welcome once again.

With a promising sounding remake on the way, I'm going to let you guys know about an over-the-top, original series of obscure horror movies called Night of The Demons.

Night of The Demons 1If you ever want to see the flat-out cheesiest, stupidest, most so-awful-it's-awesome movie, this is the one.

The local hot goth chick Angela is throwing a halloween party in a haunted house, and everyone there gets posessed by demons from hell...

And that's it. That is the whole plot of the movie. Deep!

Regardless of it's simple premise, this is an EXTREMELY enjoyable movie if you want to shut off your brain and absorb horrible acting and loads of gratuitous nudity and gore.

best part (tie): Angela dancing to the awesome Bauhaus song "Stigmata Martyr" and teleporting round the room/ Linnea Quigley posessed and eating a tube of lipstick with her nipple (yeah... you read that right).
worst part: the heroine of the story constantly whining "Jaaaay..." in a really annoying way.

8/10

Night of The Demons 2this one was actually really good. Most sequels to horror movies never live up to the original (we'll just ignore Pumpkinhead's sequels) but this one had pretty well done effects, and surprisingly good acting for a horror movie.

the plot regards a return to the house by a group of students at a catholic school, and the main character is Angela's Sister, named Mouse. She is having nightmarish visions of Angela returning to her, to return from the demon world.

All in all, i can never really decide if i like this one over the first. It's way less stupid than the first one, but it's much slower with a really anti-climactic ending. A worthy sequel in any way.

best part: Angela slaughtering a dance full of students at the end.
worst part: the most attractive of the female leads is the only one who doesn't get naked. It's a horror movie! She has to!

8/10

Night of The Demons 3to but it bluntly, this one fucking sucks.

The plot is a group of kids escape a shoot-out, thinking they killed a cop, and they hide out in Angela's house (well... kinda) and get killed off by her.

God this movie blows. I've watched this one TWICE compared to about 5 or 6 times with the other two. (The first time to watch it to complete the series, the second to see if it sucked shit as much as i remembered which it indeed does).

There really isn't anything redeeming about this movie, save for Amelia Kinkade looked phenomenal for her age and the wonders she can do with a pistol.

best part: the gunfight in the conveniance store.
worst part: everything else?

4/10

Oh, and by the way: the upcoming remake (October 9, 2009) has Edward Furlong and Shannon Elizabeth (Shannon Elizabeth is the new Angela!). That, and the fucking awesome band 45 Grave is doing the soundtrack. Can't wait for it.

The Horror Cr(yp)tic: FRONTIER(S)

welcome to another review of all things Horror- the old and the new, the great and the shitty, and the famous and obscure. Today's film is a French NC-17 film called Frontier(s).HOLY SHIT. THIS MOVIE IS FUCKING CRAZY.

Intended originally for the After Dark Horrorfest but was disqualified (because of it's NC-17 rating) the film got an extremely limited theater release before going to video. The movie starts at a riot, where the main characters (a pregnant girl named Yasmine, her ex-boyfriend, and his two partners-in-crime) are trying to escape. Yasmine and her ex go one way out of Paris and their friends go the other way.

The two other guys discover an Inn where they befriend the two lovely female workers. They all eventually have sex, and then they run across their brothers. The brothers vicously attack the two out of towners, and they barely escape with their lives. Yasmine and her ex do the same, and become embroiled into the Innkeeper family, discovering they are in fact a group of psychopathic Neo-Nazis. What follows is 2 hours of the most brutal, sadistic, intense violence i have ever seen in any movie (and not in a cartoony, Dead-Alive way. this movie takes itself REALLY seriously).

This movie will kick you in the balls, and while your gasping for air it will throw you down and curb-stomp you. Watching it the whole way through took a lot of determination, I had to sit throught a lot of rough stuff.

Is it any good? Yes, It is a very well made movie, the mood is perfect, and it's pretty unpredictable. It's pretty much what Hostel should have been. Just make sure you have a strong stomach and strong force of will.

7/10

The Hororror Cr(yp)tic: TOP 6 SIMPSONS "TREEHOUSE OF HORRORS" EPISODES

I'm Back!

And I have a special Top 6 here. As everyone in the whole world knows, The Simpsons is the greatest cartoon of all time (unless you're crazy, and think Family Guy is) and the best time episodes of the Simpsons are easily the Treehouse of Horror episodes (y'know, back when they were shown BEFORE Halloween. Up yours, Major League Baseball for screwing that up). So today, i'm going to go over the Top 6 funniest and most memorable episodes.

6. Treehouse of Horrors XWhile it's true that the best Simpsons episodes were the middle seasons, there are a few newer episodes that are really funny. Treehouse X is no exception. The first skit, "I Know What you Diddily-iddily-id" is a combined parody of several famous horror films. The Simpsons run over Flanders while driving, who unknown to them is actually a werewolf. The second skit, "Desperately Xeeking Xena" is one of the most memorable episodes whit Lucy Lawless being kidnapped by The Collector and it's up to the Fantastic Four-inspired Stretch-Dude and Clobber Girl to save her. The final skit, "Life's A Glitch, Then You Die" is a pretty clever Y2K/Maximum Overdrive parody but not the funniest. Though the finale involving Homer trapped on a rocket full of the most annoying celebrities to ever exist was extremely funny.

5. Treehouse of Horrors IThe first of the annual Halloween specials, and the one that started it all. The first skit "Bad Dream House" is a perfect mixture of The Fall of The House Of Usher, Poltergeist, and The Amityville Horror. The ending of this skit is one of my favorite moments of the series. The Next skit is the first to feature regular Treehouse guest stars Kang and Kodos in "Hungry Are The Damned", a parody of the classic Twilight Zone episode "To Serve Man. My least favorite of the three skits. The final skit, however, is my favorite of the three: their perfect rendition of Edgar Allen Poe's classic "The Raven".

4. Treehouse of Horrors IVOpening with a parody of the show Night Gallery, Bart leads us into three diverse stories. The first, "The Devil and Homer Simpson" is a classic episode where Homer sells his soul to Satan-Flanders in exchange for a doughnut, and has to pay the price for him being such an idiot. The second skit "Nightmare at 5 1/2 Feet" is a hilarious parody of one of my favorite Twilight Zone episodes and also it ruins the Gremlin car forever. The final skit "Bart Simpson's Dracula" is a great parody of Salem's Lot, The Lost Boys, and obviously Bram Stoker's Dracula. A great all around episode, with the best interludes of the series.

3. Treehouse of Horrors VIWhile the first skit is really forgettable ("Attack of the 50-Foot Eyesores") The second and third skits are damn-near flawless. The second is one of my all-time favorites, "Nightmare on Evergreen Terrace", mainly because i'm such a huge fan of Nightmare on Elm Street. The third skit, "Homer3" is one of the most genius moments of the entire simpsons series.

2. Treehouse of Horrors IIIThis episode has always had a special place in my heart, since it's one of the first episodes of Simpsons I ever saw, and one of two (the other being Treehouse V) that i had on home video. "Clown Without Pity" a great Chucky/Puppet Master parody, has one of my favorite scenes of any episode which is the "Frogurt" scene. "King Homer" is a classic, and the scenes with Smithers and Burns are hilarious (especially the knock-out grenade scene). And then there's "Dial Z For Zombies", which has the best Homer/Flanders scene EVER.

1. Treehouse of Horrors Veasily, without question, the best Halloween episode. There is nothing i need to say about "The Shinning" that hasn't already been said. Pure Genius. The second act, "Time and Punishment" is perfect and one of my favorite parts of the episode being the cameo of Mr. Peabody. The third act, "Nightmare Cafeteria", isn't as funny as the other two but it holds it's own. To Finish off the episode, it has one of the most bizarre scenes of the series (The Skinless musical number).

The Horror Cr(yp)tic: KILLER PAD

ooh, boy...

Well, this little gem stars a few actors you've seen in dozens of movies but don't know any of their names, but throws a curveball at your face by having recognizable actors that show up without warning, like Bobby Lee, Joey lawrence, Jeff Davis, and of all people Andy Milonakis.

The "plot"? well, three guys move into a beutiful house in the hollywood hills, and it turns out it's controlled by Satan.

oh, i forgot to mention it's directed by ROBERT ENGLUND! that's right, Freddy Krueger directed this movie.

Well, there really isn't too much to say about this movie. It's like a mixture of American Pie, Poltergeist, and Dude Where's My Car. So it's EXTREMELY stupid, but at times it is actually kind of funny with lines like "We're going to send you evil hoes back to hell!" and "You know what would be funny? If you took your top off and I saw your breasts, and I was like, "Hey, I can't believe you did that." 

Is it any good? No. Is it funny? kind of. but it's stupidly entertaining in it's own right, and hey, the girl that plays Satan is extremely pretty. Watch if it you want to shut off your brain for an hour or two.

5/10

The Horror Cr(yp)tic: MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3-D

welcome to another review of all things Horror- the old and the new, the great and the shitty, and the famous and obscure. Today's film is the remake of the 1980 slasher film My Bloody Valentine 3D.

Now, I've never seen the original. I'm aware of it's existance, but my knowledge of it is limited. Now going into the 3D remake, one question arrises.

Is it any good?

Very much so. The movie deals with a town called Harmony, a mining town that was plagued by the murders of former miner Harry Warden. Now, several years later, Harry has come back to bring murder and destruction to the town. But is it really Harry, or an imposter?

This was the first 3D movie i've seen since i was like 6, so it was a unique experience. The gimmicky nature of the 3D and the overall cheesiness of the movie makes it really work. Horror films are a great vehicle for 3D movies.

The greatest reason to see this movie? Tom Atkins is in it! That's right, the "Thrill Me!" cop from the fucking awesome 80's horror comedy Night of The Creeps. That alone was worth the price of admission. That dude rules.

The movie is not without it's share of problems, though. I was sitting a little too high, so all the stuff coming out of the screen aimed towards my neck as opposed to my eyes. Also, the movie is pretty predictable, and the acting is questionable at times. Either way, it was a fun, entertaining, badass tribute to campy 80's horror, and i loved it.

7.5/10

The Horror Cr(yp)tic: ED WOOD'S LEGACY FINALE

Welcome to the final installment of Ed Wood's Legacy. Today, the movie will be Tim Burton's biopic, ED WOOD.

 Portrayed by Johnny Depp, the film centers on Ed Wood's struggle to release Glen or Glenda, Bride of The Monster, and ultimately Plan 9. The film  stars the brilliant Martin landau as a perfect Bela Lugosi (winning the Oscar for best actor for his performance), Sarah Jessica Parker as Dolores Fuller, and many others.

The film shows off just how difficult it was for Ed to release his pictures, from having his whole crew be baptized just so a church could fund Plan 9, or running out of money 3 days into shooting Bride of The Monster, the movie balances tragedy, humor, insight, and parody all at once. While all of this is going on, Ed Wood is charismatic and upbeat, and his personality is mostly what got him his movies funded. The film also shows his attempt to help the ailing Bela Lugosi kick his morphine addiction.

If i had to pick one, i would have to say that this movie is my favorite of all time. It shows you that if you have a dream, and a vision, that artistic integrity is more important than what anyone else says on it's quality. I can't recommend this movie enough.

10/10

The Horror Cr(yp)tic: ED WOOD'S LEGACY PART 3

Welcome to another installment into Ed Wood's quirky films. Today, i'll be going over his most famous films, his horror trilogy.

First up is Bride of The Monsterstarring Bela Lugosi as Dr. Eric Vornoff, Tor Johnson as Lobo, and Paul Marco as the fan-favorite Patrolman Kelton.

Originally titled Bride of The Atom, Dr. Vornoff is trying to breed a race of "Atomic Supermen" to conquer the world, with the help of his gargantuan lab assistant Lobo. Kelton and the police try to stop him and Dr. Vornoff sends his giant octopus monster on them, but he himself becomes a victim of his own creations.

There really isn't too much to say about this one. Bela Lugosi does a fantastic job as always, and the introduction of Paul Marco and Tor Johnson is a welcome addition. The first half of the film is really slow, but the end shines with an explosive climax (literally).

Up next is the film that Ed Wood is most famous for, PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE.

Originally titled Graverobbers from Outer Space, Starring Vampira, Tor Johnson, the psychic Criswell, Paul Marco (as Kelton the cop), Lyle Talbot, and "almost starring Bela Lugosi", This movie is highly regarded as the "Worst Movie of All Time". The film is about Aliens trying to conquer Earth by using Plan 9: The Reanimation of Earth's Dead. Zombies and Aliens in the same movie? Awesome!... even though there is only three zombies. They are actually trying to destroy the Earth because the aliens believe we will create a bomb that detonates sunlight, thus destroying the universe.

The most infamous mistake in the film is that because of Bela Lugosi's death in the very early stages of filming, Ed Wood's wife's chiropractor filled in for Lugosi by holding a cape in front of his face(though the guy looks nothing like Lugosi). Scenes alternate between day and night in the same shot, obviously fake flying saucers (with visible strings) appear over pictures of Hollywood, characters knock over pieces of the set, Tor Johnson gets stuck coming out of his grave, and almost none of the lines make any sense ("Remember my friends, future events such as these will affect you in the future." "I'm muzzled by army brass!") and dozens of other hilariously inept mistakes plague this film.

It's been called The Worst Movie of All Time, The Greatest of Unintentional Comedies, and The Greatest Cult Film Ever, and while these may be partially true the movie is absolutely entertaining. That, and i've seen movies much worse *coughManosHandsofFatecough*. This movie is Ed Wood's "Citizen Kane", and worthy of all the notoriety it gets.

Finally, we come to Ed Wood's Night Of The Ghouls

originally titled Dr. Acula, the movie stars Ken Duncan, Tor Johnson (once again as Lobo), Valda Hansen, and Paul Marco (as Patrolman Kelton). Filmed in 1959, the movie wasn't released until 1982!

Dr. Acula conducts seances for people to talk to their deceased loved ones, however Acula is a fraud and there are no ghosts at his house (the same building from Bride of The Monster; a wounded Lobo is now Acula's assistant). Kelton the cop is ordered to investigate the goings-on, but is scared because of his experience from Bride of The Monster. To everyone's fright, real ghosts show up and cause chaos for the seance.

This movie is BY FAR Ed Wood's best produced (and surprisingly shot extremely well with tons of great shots) which is a shame as it wasn't released for 3 decades. I've seen this movie parodied countless times, most notably an episode of "Ed, Edd, and Eddy" where they had a fake seance. This movie is pretty entertaining, and a nice ending to Ed Wood's mainstream film career, and after this he made monster nude films and then straight-up porn, but i'll go over more of his life in the next (and final) installment of the Ed Wood Legacy, the Tim Burton-directed biopic "ED WOOD". stay tuned!

Bride of The Monster: 8 out of 10.

Plan 9 From Outer Space: 10 out of 10

Night of The Ghouls 8.5 out of 10

The Horror Cr(yp)tic: ED WOOD'S LEGACY PART 2

Like i said in my last installment on this series, I'm kind of stretching it when it comes to reviewing these two movies (after all, they aren't horror). But they are essential in explaining Ed Wood's quirky genius.

First up is Ed Wood's first feature film, "Glen or Glenda"

starring Bela Lugosi, Dolores Fuller (Ed Wood's then-girlfriend at the time), Lyle Talbot, Timothy Farrell, and Ed Wood himself (credited as "Daniel Davis") as the title character.

Originally under the titles "I Changed My Sex", "He or She", and "I Led Two Lives", this movie was planned to be a biopic about real-life person Christine Jourgenson, the world's first publicly known sex-change recipient. However, once Ed Wood was hired, he changed it to be a movie about himself, and his love of dressing in women's clothing. Bela Lugosi gets top billing as "The Scientist", a weird character who serves as an all-knowing figure who we assume is suppose to be God. He narrates over the other characters lives, and is able to change the course of the story. Glen is trying to get the courage to tell his girlfriend Barbara about his secret transvestism, but he's scared how she will react. The movie also has ANOTHER narration by Timothy Farrell, who makes it seem like a documentary and a film at the same time.This is easily one of the most bizarre movie's i've ever seen. 20% of the running time (the movie is only 68 minutes long) is stock footage of cars, bison running, shots from WWII, and airplanes. They weirdest part of the film is a 15 minute nightmare scene, which is bewildering and at times really disturbing. Bela Lugosi's narration doesn't help, as he keeps saying cryptic lines that make no sense... such as:

"Beware! Beware of the big green dragon that sits on your doorstep. He eats little boys... Puppy dog tails, and BIG FAT SNAILS... Beware... Take care... Beware!"

"Pull the strings! PULL THE STRINGS!!!"

After watching this movie, I really have to applaud Ed Wood. He had the balls to make a film about something really taboo, and make himself the subject character. He was telling the world not to judge others, and to accept everyone's quiks no matter what they are. This is probably the most heartfelt and personal movie of any director i've ever seen.

Up next is Ed Wood's tribute to crime noir gangster films, "Jail Bait"

which once again stars Dolores Fuller, Timothy Farrell, and Lyle Talbot and bringing in Steve Reeves (star of the famous "Hercules" series) and Herbert Rawlinson in his last performance (he died the morning after filming his last scene). It was originally titled "Hidden Faces" (one thing worth mentioning now is that every single Ed Wood movie had their title changed at the last minute).

The movie centers around Don and Vick, two guys on the wrong side of the law. Don, the epitome of a "good-for-nothing kid", is the son of world famous plastic surgeon Dr. Boris Gregor. Vic one night shoots a cop after Vick robs a safe inside a theatre house, and they try to hide from the cops as long as possible. Vick kills Don, and orders his father to perform plastic surgery on Vick so he can no longer be identified after having a different face.

This movie, co-written with screen legend Alex Gordon, is probably the most competent film Ed Wood made, with the least amount of mistakes and weirdness. It's just an average crime noir, that keeps your interest the whole way through. Strangely enough, the tagline is "She's a good girl... to leave alone!" although none of the female characters are the focus of the story, or even do anything dangerous.

There is one scene i can't forget to mention... about 15 minutes or so in the movie, it cuts to a minstrel show with one of the most hilariously racist characters i've ever seen named Cotton Watts. But this scene is unrelated to anything before or after, and this comical scene is in stark contrast to the deadly serious mood of the rest of the movie. No one mentions it at any point of the film. It's like it's a scene from another movie, that was accidentally added in.

If you see Jail Bait to be an example of Ed Wood's awful film-making, you're going to be dissapointed as it isn't THAT bad. Not to say it isn't, but it at least is somewhat legitamite.

Ah.. the ratings. Well, for this series i've decided to judge each film on their creativity, their originality, and their all-around entertainment value. I will NOT be judging them on their quality.

Glen or Glenda: 8 out of 10.

Jail Bait: 6 out of 10.

tune in next time when i'll go over Ed Wood's most famous movies, his horror trilogy cosisting of Bride Of The Monster, the infamous Plan 9 From Outer Space, and Night of The Ghouls. See ya then!

The Horror Cr(yp)tic: ED WOOD'S LEGACY (PART 1)

Madman. Visionary. Genius. Lunatic.

"The Worst Director of All Time".

Edward D. Wood Jr.'s been called a lot of things in his life, but one thing is for certain is that he had an undying passion for moviemaking, and he let no one stop him in his quest to get what was in his head on film. Too bad what showed up on film was a bit on the bizarre side.

He's kind of like the original Uwe Boll, except Ed Wood's movies were at least entertaining and unique, and not entirely pieces of crap.

What most people remember Ed Wood for besides being a god-awful filmmaker is that he was a cross-dresser; he even wore a bra and panties in World War II as a paratrooper, more afraid of getting wounded and the medics discovering his secret then getting killed in combat!

But through all of his films, most famously "Glen or Glenda?", "Bride of The Monster", and "Plan 9 From Outer Space", while it is indeed evident that he pretty much had no clue what he was doing it is clear that the man had a vision.

I have seen movies FAR worse than the ones he's made. In fact, i'd go as far to say that the man is a genius artist, that if he were given actors who could actually act (except for the always amazing Bela Lugosi) and the right amount of money his movies would have been brilliant. His movies are works of art out of absurdity, way ahead of their time. Without him, we wouldn't have Tim Burton, David Lynch, or Jon Waters. With him, the world of cinema is stranger and more bizarre (for better or worse).

Next posts, i'll be reviewing some of his films (just got his awesome ED WOOD COLLECTION BOXSET for christmas). First up are his debut film "Glen or Glenda?" and his overlooked crime drama "Jail Bait".

(ok, so technically they aren't horror films, but A: I need to start at the beginnning to get to his horror films and B. Like fellow movie reviewer James "Cinemassacre" Rolfe said, they are "so fucked up, they might as well be horror films).

tune in next time...

(credit to James Rolfe, Cinemassacre, for his excellent Ed Wood-A-Thon two part review on Spike.com, he did a great job)